Please Watch Your Fucking Language

"Obscenis, peream, Priape, si non

uti me pudet improbisque verbis.

sed cum tu posito deus pudore

ostendas mihi coleos patentes,

cum cunno mihi mentula est vocanda

                                   - "To Priapus" from The Priapeia

Having recently been 'called out' for my own vulgar and profane language, I thought it only appropriate to dedicate an entire blog post to the subject.  I'm not writing this because I feel the need to somehow validate myself to the individual who is unapproving of me.  On the contrary, I'm writing it because it will be fun.



When I was in school, corporal punishment was, of course, illegal.  And this prohibition was a common defense when a teacher wanted to use something like '20 push-ups' as a punishment for a minor infraction.  However, our teachers were no push-overs so they found a loophole of their own.  They gave you a choice:  twenty push-ups now or a ten-page paper on the subject of your misbehavior due tomorrow.  This posed a particular dilemma for me as a rebellious teenager.  On one hand, my parents did not have a problem with profanity.  By the time I was in high school, I'd heard it all and repeated much of it.  That's not to say I grew up with a bunch of foul-mouthed fuckers, just that I was the only daughter of a hard-working cattle rancher whose catchphrase could easily have been "Well Jesus Christ!".  If you've ever tried to make a stubborn animal go somewhere it doesn't want to, or spent four hours in 104 degree heat trying to fix a tractor so you can get hay off the ground before it rains, then you know what I'm talking about.  With that in mind, I was also raised with a strong sense of respect and dignity.  You didn't drop the F-bomb in front of Grandpa and if I'd ever blurted profanity in anger towards an elder I'd have woken up in the next county.  So back to this ten-page paper...

I was not an athlete.  One-hundred-pounds soaking wet, I quickly learned how to take on a 1000+ pound Longhorn cow with nothing but a pitchfork because I knew full well outrunning her crazy ass and hurdling a fence was not an option.  No surprise, I was a nerdy-girl.  So on the rare occasion that a teacher might have overheard a private conversation that involved some colorful language (because they were eavesdropping douche-hankies) my first instinct would definitely have been to opt for the ten-page paper.  Considering I researched and wrote my senior thesis in the 4.5 hours before the English class in which it was due (and got an A from the hardest literary critic I've ever had) a paper on vulgarity would have been a cakewalk.  Alas, while my parents were very liberal in an otherwise conservative part of the country, I wasn't 100% certain they would back me if I wrote a paper filled with the many ways to use 'twat waffle' and 'cunt badger'.  I wasn't concerned about the school's repercussions (unlike today's schools, our rules and restrictions could have been passed out on a note card).  Besides, my Momma had always told me, "First and foremost I am your mother and your strongest advocate.  Right or wrong I will always defend you."  This sentence was inevitably always followed by a flash of green in her eyes and this statement:  "But you better be RIGHT!"  Anyone who knows my Momma knows full well I wasn't calling her to defend me unless I was 100% sure I hadn't fucked up.  So alas, I did my fair share of push-ups at the front of the class a time or two.  Still, I always wanted to write that paper just for my own amusement.

While I will try to spare you the ten-page version of this "thesis", if you know me at all you know I'm anything but short for words.  So for the sake of blog-etiquette this could possibly end up being a multi-part series.

Please Watch Your Fucking Language

Profanity is one of the universal constants in this world.  In every language and every dialect, across the world, both past and present (and undoubtedly future) there is some form of profanity.  Research studies have even shown elements that resemble profanity in communications between apes.  No doubt if animals could vocalize their thoughts in a manner we could understand, you would find elements of profanity in the communication of many more species (I find it hard to believe there aren't some few choice words being expressed on Animal Planet).  Profanity is, by its very definition, the use of language that is commonly perceived as taboo or overly offensive in nature.  But what the fuck is really profane and why in the hell do we use it?  More importantly, what does our use of profanity say about who we are?  Is the very use of colorful language an indication that you are a total ass-munching, douche-pirate?  And if you are the type who can articulate your emotions and insults in a more acoustically pleasing manner, does that somehow make you less of an ass-pirate*?

In order to understand this, we must first understand the very concept of profanity.  Generally speaking, profanity is the use of language (or gestures) in a way that shows contempt, distaste or an expression of strong emotions in regards to a subject.  It is often viewed as a lack of decorum and among the well-educated is viewed as equivocal to poor grammar.  While the scholarly experts might state calling someone an 'asshole' as opposed to expressing one's feelings with a more civilized terminology like 'your a pompous, ignorant bigot' is a sign of lower intelligence.  However, it could possibly be argued that calling someone a 'crotch-sniffing, boot-licking, ass monkey who wouldn't know his ass from an anthill' requires at least some sort of intellectual prowess.  That is not to say that every person with a colorful vocabulary is secretly an Einstein, only that people aren't always as dumb as they sound.  

In truth, profanity is often at the sole discretion of the recipient.  Geoff Nunberg writes, "You can't have profanity if there's no prudes left to be shocked by it."  Whether something is considered profane or not is very much a matter of context based on setting, intent and the standards of the social demographic surrounding the speaker.  Many profane words do have a literal definition that is reasonably acceptable to use.  It may be perfectly acceptable for me to say, "I'm really sick of my neighbor's cock waking me up at the crack of dawn every morning!"  Of course, if I'm sitting down for Sunday brunch with him and his wife to discuss the matter, I may want to use a bit more decorum and say, "Mrs. Smith, it would be of great service to me if you could be so kind to practice up on your fellatio as your husband's genitalia is an unwelcome sight at 6 AM!"  Equally, it's acceptable to call my dog a son of a bitch, however, before calling my ex-husband a son of a bitch I should probably introduce you to his mother.  

On the other end of the spectrum, there are many otherwise mundane words, that in the right context and with the proper intent can very easily be made to represent something vulgar or taboo.  The 1970 Clint Eastwood movie titled Two Mules for Sister Sara would have taken on an entirely different context had it been produced by Larry Flynt.  Despite the fact that there is not a single expletive word in the title, the implication of profanity would make it so.  Speaking of Larry Flynt, here's a man who proves this point perfectly.  He has taken the female body (a beautiful and unoffensive thing) and put it on public display in a manner that some in our society have deemed taboo (and therefore vulgar).  There are those who vilify him for turning the female body into an object and promoting the sexual exploitation of women.  Conversely, there are those who commend him for promoting the idea that sex and the human form should not be considered taboos.  Which brings us back to that whole "a matter of perspective" thing.

I personally believe that one of the worst insults on the planet is to be called 'stupid'.  You will rarely hear me use this term because it implies that the recipient is incapable of learning something.  I would far rather refer to someone as 'ignorant' because it refers to a 'lack of education' (either by choice or circumstance).  I'm even more appalled by the term retard (and any variation of it) because I feel it is more of an insult to people with mental handicaps (who are often unable to express their own disapproval of the term) than it is to the person it is usually directed at.  I find words like faggot and dike to be especially abrasive.  And in the stereotypical context that is so common in American society today, I'm unappreciative of the terms "liberal" and "Muslim" because they are so often used to lump perfectly good people into a category in which they do not actually fit.  This is hardly the extent of my personal Dictionary of Vulgar Terms but it gives you an idea of how I view vulgarity.  

In contrast, I am rarely offended by the term "bitch" as it is so overused that it lacks any power.  I'm equally unphased by "slut", a term which refers to being overly-promiscuous (a concept made moot by the fact that there is no set standard for what does or does not define promiscuity).  Also on my "it's-just-another-word list" are 'fuck', 'shit', 'piss', 'hell', 'damn', 'cunt' and 'twat'.  Twat being a particularly unique favorite of mine because it was common-place around our house during calving season.  For you city folk, when a cow get's close to having her calf her "twat starts to stick out".  And even as a grown woman, that particular term makes me giggle.  Thus my particular fondness for phrases like 'twat-waffle', 'twat-bunny', 'twat are you talking about?', and 'isn't that just twatastic!'

Clearly, not everyone perceives profanity the exact same way I do.  My high school librarian was particularly offended anytime someone uttered the phrase "God!"  And while I admit to antagonizing her a bit due to the whole "separation of church and state" subject, as an adult (despite the fact that our household is what most would consider anti-religious) it is important to me that my own daughter not use this term out of respect for those who do have strong religious beliefs.  For better or worse, society's list of vulgarities is destined to change over time.  Terms that were thought of as offensive in the past may now be little more than minor grammatical faux pas and the next generation of young adults is already coining vulgar phrases that some of us don't even know about until someone points it out to us.  Since profanity is subject to our own personal values and ideals, it is possible that you use terms or phrases on a daily basis that I disapprove of just as much as you may disapprove my use of "life-sucking cunt maggot".  There is no conclusive way to measure who among us is more or less vulgar and uncouth as very few terms are definitively vulgar in all scenarios.

So here's to all my friends who appreciate a good "cock-munching mother of a whore-fucker"!  And here's to all my friends who know what "See You Next Tuesday" means!  Here's to those who can make the sailors blush, and those who are more found of colorful minced oaths.  To the ladies who know how much my Momma loves her hookers and those who know words should only hurt if they are true.

And to all those who think people who swear or curse are incompetent, insecure, or otherwise inferior...  

Vaffanculo il mio amico!  Vaffanculo!

Feel free to leave me a comment with your favorite tidbit of profanity.  I'll give you an A+ if you can top the student I gave two days OSS to while commending him on his creative use of adjectives.

* Special thanks to Aunt Dutch for the term 'ass-pirate' which was also the basis for the particularly colorful terminology which preceded it.