Get your grimy mitts off my ass or you'll be shining my boots with your tongue for a week!
I am Major Sunshine!
You maggots may call me "Command Sergeant Major Sunshine, SIR"!
Awwww. Isn't that cute? You thought because Judy Susan is all sunshine, rainbows, and unicorn farts that I'd be a fluffy little anime bunny with pom-poms and hair bows? Remind me to tell you about Easter dinner sometime... I don't do bunnies! Or fluffy... fuzzy... cuddly... rainbowy... or CUTE!
I do slap in the face... kick in the ass... break your dentures on my knuckles WORLD DOMINATION! The quicker you get that through your head the quicker we'll all get along just fine.
Now then, let's lay down the ground rules (these are NOT optional):
- I've said it once and I'll say it again... I DON'T DO CUTE! Don't think you'll pop over here for your daily inspirational on how I found this fuzzy little kitten caught in a tree and I brought it home, gave it milk and let it cuddle up in my lap. Frankly, I'm a dog person. Not some "this little fur ball fits in my Gucci purse" rat dog either. If your dog has never cleared the privacy fence, broke its log-chain or been blamed for the neighbor's missing child, it's not a dog! Ironically, I have eight outdoor cats and no dogs. Why? I hate dog hair in my food and cats catch more mice. So save the cute for someone who appreciates it. I'm liable to put your cute in a burlap sack and toss it in the nearest creek to see how long it squirms before it drowns.
- I was not made by BRITA! That's right, I do not filter out the impurities. I call 'em like I see 'em. Sometimes I manage a level of class that allows me to speak my mind so eloquently it will take you three days to realize I called you a flea-bitten, herpes-ridden, carnival whore. Other times I send drunken sailors running for the nearest church. While I will offer up a warning, don't expect an apology. If I offend, I assure you I chose my words very carefully.
- At it's best my life is busy... at it's worst, it's downright insane! I am a mother to one five-year-old raging terrorist. Why only one? Because I'm trying to take over the world you idiots! How much competition do you think I'm going to tolerate? I'm also a wife (working opposite shifts means there are times when you'd hardly know it). On top of that, I am
gainfullyemployed full-time. To give you an idea of what all this adds up to... I have a whole binder dedicated entirely to the current months work/family/home scheduling. I am constantly trying to juggle the calendars of three grade schools, six communities, two employers, and multiple family splinter cell organizations. My quest for dictatorship is the generally the first thing to go on the back burner. So if you haven't gotten your usual dose of vulgarity, sarcasm or wit you can assume I'm helping with homework, cleaning my house, sponsoring/planning/participating in a school/community function, debating with local political/religious officials, or attending a boring meeting. Unless you're willing to take my place for one of those jobs so I have time to squeeze in getting laid... deal with it!
- There is no I in 'insane'. I'm not just cracking a joke when I say "crazy doesn't run in my family, it strolls along slowly and gets to know everyone personally". No surprise there since insanity, cancer and douchebaggery are probably the only three illnesses resilient enough to survive alcoholism. Keeping that in mind you should expect random excerpts of nonsense, raging bouts of angry opinions, cryptic passive-aggressive messages, and totally inappropriate/distasteful humor that no one really gets. Most people familiar with the blog world are used to some of that. However, in the name of full disclosure, I must make you aware of one key fact: I find humor in things that normally instill sorrow, pity, sympathy, pain, anger, outrage, or otherwise negative emotions. A shrink would tell you I use humor as a defense mechanism. I will tell you the shrink is a quack. I don't use humor to disguise underlying emotions. I use humor because I see the grander scheme of things. I laugh because I choose to not be sad. I joke because life is crazy, ironic, and insane all by itself. If you don't get my humor, that's okay (laughter will be mandatory once I've conquered the world), but don't mistake my humor as insensitive, cold-hearted, or insanity. I simply CHOOSE laughter whenever possible.
Hopefully, I've made it crystal clear to you nimrods exactly who I am and what I'm about.
"I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in betweenYou know you wouldn't want it any other way"
-Bitch by Meredith BrooksWith that, I proudly introduce you to the newest chapter of my blog life and since I'm an old hand at this I get to say I'm not jumping on bandwagons, chasing down trolls, or writing for the sake of keeping my numbers up... this time I intend to do it exactly the way I started... just for the fun of it.
Legal Disclaimer: Commenting on this post will result in your legal obligation to be a loyal and faithful supporter of Major Sunshine in her quest for world domination. Upon successfully conquering the world, this comment will assure you a sturdy stronghold in world capital so you may share in the power and wealth of Major Sunshine. Strongholds and capitals subject to random and possibly ridiculous taxation. Shipping and handling charges may apply. Do not mix with alcohol. Please consult a physician before beginning a Major Sunshine regimen. All names and characters are fictional, except when based on idiots I really encounter. This is not a test. Only you can prevent forest fires!