The Middle Ground

I was raised by the most liberal conservatives you've ever met in your life.  I'm talking hard-core, old-school, Republicans who believed you stood with your hand over your heart in the presence of the flag, you respected your elders (even if they were wrong), and you loved your family (even when they really piss you off).  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Don't get me wrong, my family was by no means a bunch of conservative A-holes (okay, some of them are).  There were a fair share of off-colored jokes thrown out and the N-word was not unheard of.  My uncle taught us what it meant to sit in the "back of the bus" and my father cursed every African American sitcom on the three stations our television got.  We bitched about taxes and politicians and city-folk.  We complained about Welfare Queens and drag-queens, and my father would have had a stroke if we'd played any music by Queen.  But when it came to REAL LIVE people, you've probably never met a more welcoming and unbiased group of people.  It didn't matter if your were black, white, brown or purple.  It didn't matter if you were married, divorced, or 'living in sin'.  It didn't matter if your past was littered with felonies or drunken excursions.  When it came to REAL LIVE people what really mattered was the smile on your face, the sparkle in your eyes and the willingness to work hard and be kind to others.  As conservative as they were, my family would be the first to stand up for the 'little guy' or speak out about some injustice (great or small).  As conservative as they were, my family was surrounded by dear friends of different races, different backgrounds, different finances, different relationships, and very different opinions.

We Snapped: Week 4

Oh shut it!  You know I'm always late to the party!  There was shit to do!  Quityourbitchin'!

Here's my entries:

A Little Late But You Knew I'd Snap!

I'm gonna give you the quick and easy version with no frills or elaborate explanations.

Am I sick?

No!

It's just that the laundry monster has escaped and I think it has eaten the O.C. or in the very least a few of her toys.  So I'm off the slay the beast and conquer the lands of Closetonia and Wheresmyfloria.

So here they are!

O.C.isms

Who here know what this is a picture of?

If you guessed the mounds and mounds of school work we collected over the course of the Kindergarten year, you would be right.  So the mission for this weekend is to tackle (and *gasp* dispose of) most of this before the O.C. returns from her Princess Training Adventure (I shit you not, she's at Princess Day Camp!). So yeah.  I confess, I'm a borderline hoarder.  It's a genetic thing.  But all it really takes is watching one episode of hoarders to make me realize 1) I'm not even close to a hoarder and 2) I should really purge some shit because I would DIE if I really became one!

Thankfully, Mr. Sunshine is extremely supportive when it comes to my ailment.  These neatly stacked piles of organized papers are mostly his doing.  When I asked what I should keep his answer was "Anything that makes you smile".  Yeah... he's a keeper!

Oh Yes! I totally stole it!

You know who my favorite new blogger is?

Kate Leopard

Why?
1.  She's HOT!  I know right?   2.  While her blog might be fairly new, I must say she's been cracking me up daily on bookface for some time now.   3.  I vaguely recall something about her calling me her wife at some point.  While I do not swing that way and am utterly devoted to Mr. Sunshine, I am also unfamiliar with the laws regarding verbally declared internet marriage.  Therefore, to spare myself a nasty divorce, I'm expressing my loyalty to this pseudo marriage until my lawyer contacts me about the details.

That being said...
You know who my other favorite new blogger is?

The Precious Princess of Bananaland

Why?
Because I'm pretty sure Bananaland is on the southern border of OZ and there is a great possibility that The Queen of Bananaland and The Queen of WTF were long lost cousins or half-sisters or evil twins.

Which means?
I royally crack up every time I read her posts.  No seriously!  I'm talking childhood-flashback-someone-call-my-therapist-I'm-having-a-relapse cracking up!

The point?
I'm totally stalking her!

No surprise. I SNAPPED again!

This week's words are creepy, exciting, mysterious and air.

I SNAPPED!

So The Queen announced the theme for this week's "We Snapped" photo challenge:

Earth, Water, Wind, .... Moon & Sun?  Apparently The Craft copyrighted the four elements so we couldn't officially include fire in the them.  But I can roll with it!

Hit the Road Jack, or Chuck, or Bobby... What's Your Name Again?

I don't remember exactly what happened last night after we got booted from the restaurant.  I vaguely recall dancing with some hottie in a smokey night club. (Who knew there were smokey night clubs in SLC?  Me!  Don't ask!)  The next thing I remember was some chick up in my face claiming he was her man (he didn't look like hers with his hand on my ass) and how dare I and then she crossed the line.  I honestly cannot be held responsible when someone decides to throw out the "stupid bitch" card.  Bitch? Oh hell yes!  But stupid?  I wonder how many times I'd have to flush the toilet before you stop thrashing!

Destination Road Trip

I got a text from my blog-sister about 4 am this morning:

Be Careful Out There!

First and foremost, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!  I certainly hope you are having an incredibly wonderful day!  I was blessed with three bottles of my favorite wine (thankfully, my tastes are relatively cheap), a card and several hand-made pieces from the O.C.  P.C. has been cleaning the house while the child and I take turns playing video games and watching movies.  Pot pies for lunch and BBQ ribs w/ homemade apple cider are on the stove for dinner.  The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day out.  I certainly hope you are all as blessed as I am.

Comment Censorship

I think I've said before that I really hate censorship.

It is my personal opinion that censorship is a weapon of cowardice.  Religious groups attempt to censor material because they fear the way it challenges their beliefs. Politicians would love to censor certain records and information because they fear the way it would impact the public (or the views of their constituents).  Parents try to censor things because they fear how it will impact their children.

Time to Spruce Up the Place

It's been awhile since I got the creative juices flowing.  And since my house is still not in a condition that I want to break out the paint and canvas, I figured I'd satisfy my creativity with a little digital art.  It's not my favorite media to work with because it is SOOOO MUCHHHH MOREEE TIMEEEE CONSUMING than simply drawing what I want.  However, the end result is worth all the work... at least I think so.

Because I Have No Life

It's very true.  I really don't have a life.  At least not an incredibly busy one.  For eleven months out of the year I wake up, go to work, spend eight hours helping less fortunate people find ways to make ends meet and if I'm lucky, offer them some tips and resources that will make living in this grinding world a little easier.  Then I come home to my beautiful Prince Charming and the Ogre Child to enjoy a peaceful evening in the comfort of our pseudo-country lifestyle.  Nine days out of ten, Prince Charming heads to work within an hour of my getting home and will not return until we have settled into bed.  Sometimes, this takes a toll on our relationship, but it is a sacrifice we make to assure there is always a parent home in our daughter's life.  Like many people after they have children, we don't have very active social lives.  Sure, we could pawn our daughter off on the many willing and able family members in the area so we could enjoy the simple luxuries of dining out or seeing a rated-R movie (or for that matter, a PG movie without having to leave in the middle to talk a little girl potty) but on the rare occasion that we have a day to spend doing the things we love, we prefer to spend it as a family.

Please Watch Your Fucking Language

"Obscenis, peream, Priape, si non

uti me pudet improbisque verbis.

sed cum tu posito deus pudore

ostendas mihi coleos patentes,

cum cunno mihi mentula est vocanda

                                   - "To Priapus" from The Priapeia

Having recently been 'called out' for my own vulgar and profane language, I thought it only appropriate to dedicate an entire blog post to the subject.  I'm not writing this because I feel the need to somehow validate myself to the individual who is unapproving of me.  On the contrary, I'm writing it because it will be fun.

What matters most!

After seven and a half years it doesn't really matter if he remembers I hate chocolate chip ice cream.

It doesn't matter if he puts it in a dish or a cone. 

It doesn't matter if his moods swing more than a weather vane.

When you've been together through all of life's ups and downs...

...

all that really matters...

In Case You Are Worried

So much talk about friendship right now, I feel the need to have a serious heart to heart.
NO!  I didn't say we were going to cuddle!  Get back in your seats!
I said, we're going to have a heart to heart.

I was at a training a few weeks ago and this question was posed:

What did Einstein say was the one attribute that drives the most people to the Devil?

Did You Seriously Bring a Knife to This Gunfight?

To Whom It May Concern:

Seriously?

Did you just interrupt my 'holiday' with your "I put my tampon in backwards today and I'm gonna blame it on the fact that someone was unkind to me 6 months ago"?

Did you then follow that with the accusation that my 'family' is comprised of a bunch of mindless drones who can't think for themselves?  Or the implication that any one of us are worried that we might be 'unfriended' for not sharing the same opinion as another?

Did you get a wild ingrown hair up your ass and say that any one of us are two-faced and cowardly?  That we are 'victim-prone'?  Or my favorite, that some among us are "a sorry excuse of a human being"!!!

Did you then state (after YOU dug up a disagreement LONG DEAD) that you're the one who is not in high school anymore?

When I'm not conquering the world

This post is especially for The Dame who is bitterly jealous of my most fabulous skills because she wishes she was half as awesome as I am asked for it.

When I'm not out conquering the weak and pathetic minions of the surrounding kingdoms, I put my creative mind to good use.  NOT THAT WAY PERVERT!!  Okay, that way too... but I don't blog about that.

Anywhooo...

This is Part 1 of my Sewing Tutorial 101 for anyone who is a cheap miserly bitch like myself wants to learn how to fashion some cheap and easy like most of the hookers around here clothes for the kiddos (because we may be a bunch of hookers, but that doesn't mean we want to dress our kids in department store skankism!)

Depends and Diaper Cream!

I suppose you've heard by now. Those crazy bats kicked the whacky shack and are headed back to the Royal Realm as we speak.

You're probably thinking this means that I'll be stepping back up to the plate to defend my crown as PWT. Clearly, Dutch has already slipped you a batch of brownies!

Hell to the N-O. Who do you think locked those broads up to start with? I mean sure, initially I tried to rescue their inebriated asses from the padded room.  But when I found The Queen snorting crayon shavings off a transvestites jock strap while Dutch added her belly button lint to her brownie mix, I quickly put the judge on the secret payroll for as long as he could keep them!

So if you need me, I'll be adding a few extra sharpened pikes to the perimeter of my palace in case one of those hookers gets the bright idea to enlist my help changing Depends or applying Desitin to their poison ivy rashes.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to contact my Swiss bank account to cancel some automatic transactions and withdrawal funds to up the security on my alligator shoe collection.

I suspect Princess Vet has a ploy.up her sleeve and while she is planning the next move for her Army of flying monkeys, I've hired a top of the line artist to design my next fashion line made from 100% feathered monkey pelts.

A world dictator must always look her best.