Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Censorship Really PISSES ME OFF!

This is something you as a reader should really take to heart.

I totally get censoring 'age appropriate' or in some cases 'downright offensive' material (i.e. Lil' Sunshine cannot watch Showtime at 2AM on a Saturday and if you're a racist bigot you probably deserve a little censoring to keep someone from shooting you).  But I abhor censorship based solely on your dislike for the content or opinion that it states.

So if you REALLY REALLY want to get my goat... try to censor me!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

But Who's Counting and Bridal Mathematics

Did you miss me Monday?  Of course you did if you sobered up!

My apologies not really.  I was busy plotting out my next world domination plan.  In-other-words I was trying to figure out how to squeeze 37.5 hours of work, a preschool parent activity 45 miles away, a client home visit, an agency meeting 75 miles away, and still have room left over for a parent-teacher's conference for Lil' Sunshine all into next week while still recovering from this weekend's vacation to Nebraska and completing the long to-do list that was handed to me by my council today!  World domination has hereby been postponed to December 2025!

Surprisingly, there was no Monday madness!  I almost celebrated before I remembered some high school science lesson about "matter cannot be destroyed, it merely changes form," (if you happen to know my high school science teacher you might let him know I didn't sleep through ALL of his classes).  Anyway, this got me thinking, "Where exactly did the madness from Monday go?"

The answer?

Monday, October 1, 2012

Monday Madness: You Put a Roofie in My What?

At their best, Mondays are generally maddening for all of us.  Okay, so maybe they aren't maddening for you good, righteous Christians who spend your Sunday basking in the light of glory.  But the rest of us heathens spend it cussing at our children, begging them to have their shit ready in the morning, and fighting off unwanted advances from a husband who believes "I'm hungry and want to kill your child" is code for ass-grab/boob-squeeze SUPER COMBO!  So needless to say, by the time we shove walk our little demonspawns darlings onto the hallelujah caravan school bus at the ass crack of dawn in the breaking dawn of morning while we chug a fifth of whiskey sip our morning coffee... the last thing in the world we want to do is spoil the moment by getting ourselves ready for work.

So whether your Monday was mundane, mediocre, maniacal, or just plain 'meh', I bring you Monday Madness which is sure to make the rest of your week fly by... okay, that's a lie... I offer no money back guarantees when it comes to undoing the damage of a Monday (any day for that matter since the world is over-stupid-opulated allowing any day to become infected with Monday-itis).  Still... reading my banter surely won't make your week any worse (unless of course I'm writing about you... in which case you probably fucked up my Monday and I'm just returning the favor!)

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Diary of a Stamp - Part III

I am sorry for the delay on the final chapter of this sage.  I got busy with work/family stuff/getting laid (I wish) and forgot to schedule this post in advance.

So without further ado.  Here is the third and final chapter of Diary of a Stamp:

Don't forget to read Part I and Part II first.

Upon receiving my response to his insubordinate letter, my former uncle responded with this final rebuttal:  

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Diary of a Stamp - Part II

If you haven't read Diary of a Stamp - Part I, you'll want to do so before you read this.  Of course, in my quest for world domination, I view my Uncle's response as a sheer act of insolent insubordination.  Normally such treasonous acts would be immediately followed with a Proclamation of Assassination.  However, I do my best to operate on a "one fair warning" rule when it comes to blood relatives (only fair considering non-blood relatives get two good warnings!).

This was my calm and diplomatic response to my Uncle's letter:

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I Know What Your Phone Did Last Night


Oh shut up!  Don't look at me like that!!  I'm suffering from "naked-in-front-of-the-whole-class" syndrome!

STOP STARING before I gouge your eyes out!

Anyway!  My day was going hunky spunky dorey until just a little bit ago.  I got to work early, I had breakfast, I bought a Christmas present for my better half over my lunch break (bonus since it hadn't walked out of the thrift store since I my visit last week)... all was going well.  I made all the phone calls, set up appointments, worked on a newsletter.

And then 4 o'clock rolled around and I packed up everything and headed home with a smile on my face knowing that tonight is date night!  Okay... so 'date' might be a little much considering we're taking Lil Sunshine with us to the movies... but still.  Considering I haven't actually set foot in the 'big city' since I picked up my last paycheck two months ago... it's a BIG DEAL!

So what could possibly be so horrible about today?

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Diary of a Stamp - Part 1

In the busy world of total domination, I have yet to find the time for some true writing inspiration.  Therefore, I feel it is only appropriate to kick this blog off with a walk down memory lane.  The Diary of a Stamp happens to be an all time favorite of Judy Susan's and it is only appropriate that it be dusted off the archive shelves and put back out there for your personal entertainment.  So here's the back story...

Friday, September 14, 2012


For those of you who are avid readers of "Running Towards the Light" there is really no need for introductions.  Most of you know me, or know of me, or in the very least vaguely recall someone dropping my name (or a vulgar slur in its place) at the last family dinner.  However, for those of you new around here, let me introduce myself!


Get your grimy mitts off my ass or you'll be shining my boots with your tongue for a week!

I am Major Sunshine!  
You maggots may call me "Command Sergeant Major Sunshine, SIR"!