Monday, October 1, 2012

Monday Madness: You Put a Roofie in My What?

At their best, Mondays are generally maddening for all of us.  Okay, so maybe they aren't maddening for you good, righteous Christians who spend your Sunday basking in the light of glory.  But the rest of us heathens spend it cussing at our children, begging them to have their shit ready in the morning, and fighting off unwanted advances from a husband who believes "I'm hungry and want to kill your child" is code for ass-grab/boob-squeeze SUPER COMBO!  So needless to say, by the time we shove walk our little demonspawns darlings onto the hallelujah caravan school bus at the ass crack of dawn in the breaking dawn of morning while we chug a fifth of whiskey sip our morning coffee... the last thing in the world we want to do is spoil the moment by getting ourselves ready for work.

So whether your Monday was mundane, mediocre, maniacal, or just plain 'meh', I bring you Monday Madness which is sure to make the rest of your week fly by... okay, that's a lie... I offer no money back guarantees when it comes to undoing the damage of a Monday (any day for that matter since the world is over-stupid-opulated allowing any day to become infected with Monday-itis).  Still... reading my banter surely won't make your week any worse (unless of course I'm writing about you... in which case you probably fucked up my Monday and I'm just returning the favor!)

  • Last three trips to McDonalds: 

Beatrice, NE - One car in the drive-thru, one person in line at the counter, total wait time 15 minutes!  To top that off, for the first time IN MY LIFE my burger went out the car window.  (If you know how much I love a disgusting, greasy, beef flavored hockey puck from a irreputable restaurant renowned for spawning the fattest, most cholesterol laden generation in history... you know this is HUGE!... aka, I love nasty food... really!)
Wamego, KS - A plus on the nasty food!  PERFECTLY heart attack worthy.  However, architecturally flawed bathroom requires you to stand with the hand dryer blowing down your ass crack if someone wants to wash their hands while you're waiting on a vacant john.  Not cool!
Manhattan, KS - When Lil Sunshine has to ask, "Why do you have bugs in here?" you can bet my EWWW-factor alarms are going off!  But it is post-rush-hour so I can forgive you.  Except for the fact that you PAID an employee to go around and wash the FAKE plant arrangements while customers were eating off of dirty tables, cups are laying on the floor, AND someone clearly forgot to mop the dead hooker out of the ladies room! 
Combine my last three visits with the fact that I am watching the TV series "Supernatural" in which the Leviathans have sedated mankind by 'tweeking' the high-fructose corn syrup we consume like no tomorrow and I must admit I'm losing faith in good ol' fashioned junk food.  It's a sad day in Sunshineville when McDolopoly can't lure me in with their $1,000,000 jackpot. *sigh* 

  • Dear Dollar Tree, 
How do you do it?  I see that lovely green sign and say to myself, "Self, we need some $1 crap to keep the rest of our crap company while we're at work!"  Seriously!  I refuse to spend more than $10 on a pair of shoes or $5 on a shirt, but you get me EVERY TIME!  Once again I spent an hour breathing in the $1 LSD fumes only to exit with two bags at a cost of $15!  I'm in awe at the power and wish to harness that power for my world domination quest!  But even more awe-inspiring is the fact that you got me to pay an extra $1 for the hat Lil Sunshine wore into the store!  Oh yes, clever you!  It's my own stupid fault because A) it isn't hard to keep track of how many items were in your basket and question the price if it doesn't seem right B) I am the idiot who didn't take it out of the basket before I put it on the counter (also the idiot who let Lil Miss 30-second-hat-rule walk in the store with it on in the first place) and C) I assumed when Lil Sunshine said numerous times, "That's my hat. We've already bought it and don't have to pay more," (to the point that I finally hushed her and said "She knows that now!") I honestly believed you did know that (my bad, I forget not everyone is as smart as my five-year-old).  So I tip my hat to you Dollar Tree for your heroine junkie allure and that devious universal price that allows my receipt to read "Merchandise   $1.00".
(In all fairness, I was rather practical today.  I restocked Lil Sunshine's magically diminishing supply of hair clips, picked up some hot pad trivets for Thanksgiving dinner, and snagged some vacuum storage bags for the seldom used linens... none of which I could have bought for $1 anywhere else.  Throw in the pencil sharpener, word find, coloring book and a decorative hair clip for Lil Sunshine because getting to go to 'the big city' should always be a treat.  Still... this was a rare 'controlled' moment sparked solely by an upcoming vacation.  Nowhere near the DT Norm for me!)

  • And last but not least...
I gave my daughter a lip gloss necklace today on the drive to town.  Afterwards, I learned that my daughter either can channel the spirit of Angelina Jolie OR she has no feeling in her face and fingertips.  After I wiped the lip gloss off of her chin, I turned back around to finish my conversation with her father.  Only to be interrupted by his question....  "Honey, did you put a roofie in her lip gloss?"... apparently there are narcotic tranquilizers in children's lip gloss.  I will definitely be taking advantage of this on more than one occasion. 
So here's hoping your Monday at least had some madness worth laughing about!  I would also like to make all those mothers of young children aware that I am in possession of three more 'Roofie Lipgloss Necklaces'.  I am willing to part with them for the generous SALE price of $29.99!*
*Roofie effects may vary.  Product not guaranteed to be effective on your child.  No refunds.

1 comment:

  1. I don't even want to know what she had bugs in.. that is all on that subject.. and giggle snort a little on the paying for her hat, cause I know that shit NEVER happens to you.. lol...