Wednesday, October 10, 2012

But Who's Counting and Bridal Mathematics

Did you miss me Monday?  Of course you did if you sobered up!

My apologies not really.  I was busy plotting out my next world domination plan.  In-other-words I was trying to figure out how to squeeze 37.5 hours of work, a preschool parent activity 45 miles away, a client home visit, an agency meeting 75 miles away, and still have room left over for a parent-teacher's conference for Lil' Sunshine all into next week while still recovering from this weekend's vacation to Nebraska and completing the long to-do list that was handed to me by my council today!  World domination has hereby been postponed to December 2025!

Surprisingly, there was no Monday madness!  I almost celebrated before I remembered some high school science lesson about "matter cannot be destroyed, it merely changes form," (if you happen to know my high school science teacher you might let him know I didn't sleep through ALL of his classes).  Anyway, this got me thinking, "Where exactly did the madness from Monday go?"

The answer?



Tuesday.  Wednesday.  With a highly probable forecast for Thursday through next June!

Let me give you a taste of Tuesday:

  • I stayed up too late because an evening activity on the calendar allowed me to start Tuesday's workday about 3 hours later than usual.  EPIC FAIL #1
  • However, I forgot to tell Mr. Sunshine of my plans to vamp out and avoid the sunrise.  EPIC FAIL #2
  • Therefore, at 6:30 AM Mr. Sunshine kindly began trying to wake me up while getting Lil Sunshine ready for school.  Unfortunately, having stayed up too late, I can only muster a cognitive neurological impulse strong enough to mutter the words "30 more minutes."  EPIC FAIL #3
  • Did I mention the fact that I did NOT reset my FIVE alarms to reflect my sleeping in?  Every 5-10 minutes a different ringer is buzzing away on my phone and I, having all the energy of a sloth, just keep slapping at the damn electronic piece of technological hell in the hopes that my motion will in some way mimic the swipe method used to cancel an alarm.  EPIC FAIL #4
  • After umpteen times of slipping back into my sleep coma, I was awoken by yet another alarm!  How it is even possible for one alarm to survive the thirty-five swipes I made in an hour, I will never know.  And now I am awake enough to sit up, stare at my phone with the "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" look and meticulously swipe the "KILL THIS ALARM OR I'LL DROWN YOU IN THE TOILET" button.  When I notice something... one missed text at 6:15 AM... who in the hell texts me at 6:15 in the morning?  Oh, a co-worker... well, that's important... EPIC FAIL #5
  • After finding out Co-Worker only wanted me to pick up some stuff to laminate at my office (because I'm the agencies "Spoiled Little Princess" with a secretary and a laminating machine!) I am officially wide-the-(who-the-fuck-wakes-up-at-this-hour-voluntarily)-awake!  EPIC FAIL #6
  • Fuckit!  I'm up!  I'm dressed!  Don't talk to me until I smell coffee!  EPIC FAIL #7
  • Go downstairs for breakfast... clearly Mr. Sunshine is NOT a telepath and has no idea that the wife who normally *gacks* at the thought of anything solid before 11:00 AM is craving bacon and eggs.  No bacon and eggs! EPIC FAIL #8
  • Mr Sunshine makes baked potatoes instead.  Starch smothered in fattening dairy?  I could so go for some of that!  WINNING!!  Note: Yes, this is the highlight of my entire day.
  • What now?  It's still three hours before I need to be at work... Netflix!  Winning?  No.  Apparently,  food+couch+Netflix= FOOD COMA!  EPIC FAIL #9
  • Only I can't fall asleep because I might miss my show... that I can watch anytime on Netflix... *blink*...I could record it if I wanted... *blink blink* ...I could watch it non-stop over and over again if my heart so desired... *blink blink blink*... Nope!  Can't miss it!  Or the next episode!  EPIC FAIL #10
  • Finally it occurs to me that if I sit on this couch one more minute I am going to pass out... and when I HAVE to wake up in 45 minutes I'm going to feel about 3,000,000 times more miserable than if I hadn't dozed off.  Well Fuckahorseintheasswithacombine!  I'm fucking going to work!  EPIC FAIL #11
  • Stop at a school check on activity RSVPs... good news!  No unexpected surprises.  Stop at the other school to update the evening cook... good news!  Everything is going as planned.  Head to the office to put together some last minute paperwork... good news!  What the FUCK?  Password won't let me access my email the day of my first big activity?  EPIC FAIL #12
  • Whatthefuckever!  I'm going to vegetate at my desk and surf the internet for fun things.  Shit!  I have to introduce myself.  Better jot something down so I don't get up there and go "Hi, errr... my name is... ummmmm.... no not Ummmm.... it's uhhhhhhhh.... well, I'm here.... and I do stuff.... and .... errr.... PICKLES!"  EPIC FAIL#13
  • So yeah!  I type up this nice short introFUCTION about who I am, how important Dads are, and how much fun we hope they have tonight... yada yada... quick, simple, I got this... 5 hours later... EPIC FAIL #14  ("Hi, my name is Major Sunshine.  I work here.  We have dinner and crafts and hope you have fun.  Thanks..... oh yeah... PICKLES!!!!")
  • Anyway, finish my 'speech' and start printing my info packets.  5 hours later... I changed my mind and will send them home with the kids.  EPIC FAIL #15
  • Okay, time to go help the cook get ready.  Pack up, load car, pull out of the office... aaannnnnddddd STOP!  *bang head on steering wheel* I soooo did NOT just run my car out of gas 20 yards from the gas station!  *bang bang bang* Just fucking shoot me!  I'm not even going to ask anyone for help. I'm going to sit here and if anyone asks, it's just a nice day to sit in your car and watch traffic.  This car's gas gauge has never lied to me and I know I can travel a good 20 miles on E... but that's what happens when you skate through Monday madness-free! EPIC FAIL #16
  • Wait... if I ran the car out of gas why are the dash lights not working?  Why didn't the engine even try to turn over?  Awwww shit!  That's electrical!  EPIC FAIL #17
  • Call the office (20 yards behind me) and ask for help.  Here comes my friend.  Break out the jumper cables.  Now there are two women on the side of the road, with hoods up, staring at jumper cables.  (picture one of us holding the jumper cables like a wishbone and staring while the other shakes her head and shrugs... dialog not necessary).  EPIC FAIL #18 (remind me to tell you about how my Dad taught me to change a tire when I went off to college)
  • Thankfully, nice guy sees the potential disaster of two women playing with automotive toys and comes to the rescue (he even talked slow and used real words so we'd be able to do it by ourselves next time).  And it started!  WINNING
  • Got gas... still WINNING
  • Drove to the next school... still WINNING
  • And needless to say, the activity went over great.  Everyone had fun.  Everything was on schedule.  And the only real mishap was the five-quarts of leftover spaghetti because, as my cook said, "I've cooked for four, and I've cooked for a thousand, but I've never cooked for forty."  The recipe was clearly feeding forty active-duty Marines!  Not our fault!  And I found a home for most of it by 8:15 this morning.  Oh yeah, and the car ran fine.  Mr Sunshine made a note to get a new battery for it soon.
Thankfully, the 'Tuesday' madness seems to be dwindling down to a mere trickle.  Today was only a minor bombardment of too much information in a short time frame.  Tomorrow will probably be right about par.  

Whatever you do... don't let your guard down!  We're going to Nebraska this weekend.  By 'we' I mean Judy Susan, myself and Lil' Sunshine... Mr Sunshine isn't allowed to set foot in the state because he prefers to remain UNincarcerated!  Before you go jumping to conclusions and spreading nasty rumors... there's no warrant for his arrest or anything... he is just a little bit protective of his family, and in light of my family's past he believes it wouldn't take much to set him off.  You know, some people just have a way of saying just the right thing to rub someone the wrong way... like "pass the salt please" ...and after it's 9-1-1 and the S.W.A.T. team!  So he takes the time to enjoy an estrogen-free environment and calls it 'his' vacation.  And if anyone starts to wonder or ask questions, he's not going to mind one bit if we just tell them he's an asshole... because frankly, we have too much class to come right out and tell them "Frankly, he thinks you're all a bunch of douchbags."  Sometimes honesty must be tempered with discretion.

Alas, all family politics aside, I have no doubt you are all in for a T.R.E.A.T. (Tit-Rattlingly Epic Asshole Thesis) when we get back from our trip.

So here's your teaser for next week:

  • 30-some family members in the same town (pop. 300)
  • One-third isolated to one side of town.
  • One-third quarantined to the other side of town.
  • The remain third playing go-between between two sides of town because they can play nice with everybody!
  • One nineteen-year-old twatbag getting hitched to 'Not the Daddy' after a two-week ringless engagement and a nine-month (because she has amnesia about those two months she was re-engaged to Baby Daddy) relationship.
  • Add beer....
  • ...a forecast of severe storms and tornadoes...
  • ...and the ongoing debate on whether the minister will say, "Til Wednesday do you part!"
  • There is bound to be some blog-worthy material by Sunday evening!

Have a wonderful weekend... and don't worry about the madness you might have avoided this week.  I guarantee you that all spare madness is required to meet at a National Madness Convention in central Nebraska for the entire weekend!  You are safe!

6 comments:

  1. and it's red hot positive.. both cars.. Red to red.. black to black.. red is hot.. red is the plus sign...

    It's always a negative when a dead man's widow is in black.

    She looks hotter and more positive in RED.. terms you can understand.. lol

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    1. That wasn't the problem. Both our cars were dummy-proofed with color coding... they just weren't 'girl-proofed'. So there we both stood with them... because... well... neither one of us could quite silence that voice in the back of our heads that was screaming, "Gee, I sure wish a man would show up because I'm too pretty to blow myself up!"

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  2. Omg, I so wish I could go on the roadtrip with you. I have nothing to lose in the family department so I could just read out loud the notes your were shoveling under my nose. I know, right.

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    1. Well, I don't know about your wanting to join the 'road trip'. You have clearly never been the passenger OR driver with my mother. Now, if we SURVIVE the trip... then the fun will start ;)

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