Friday, May 31, 2013

Oh Yes! I totally stole it!

You know who my favorite new blogger is?

1.  She's HOT!  I know right?   2.  While her blog might be fairly new, I must say she's been cracking me up daily on bookface for some time now.   3.  I vaguely recall something about her calling me her wife at some point.  While I do not swing that way and am utterly devoted to Mr. Sunshine, I am also unfamiliar with the laws regarding verbally declared internet marriage.  Therefore, to spare myself a nasty divorce, I'm expressing my loyalty to this pseudo marriage until my lawyer contacts me about the details.

That being said...
You know who my other favorite new blogger is?

Because I'm pretty sure Bananaland is on the southern border of OZ and there is a great possibility that The Queen of Bananaland and The Queen of WTF were long lost cousins or half-sisters or evil twins.

Which means?
I royally crack up every time I read her posts.  No seriously!  I'm talking childhood-flashback-someone-call-my-therapist-I'm-having-a-relapse cracking up!

The point?
I'm totally stalking her!

And so?
While I wasn't mentioned in her awards post for new bloggers (I'm going to assume it's because I'm O-L-D and not that she's somehow avoiding me because of some secret claim I have on her family's royal shoe collection) I am totally going to answer her questions anyway!

You can't do that, she didn't pick you!
Duh!  Aspiring world dictator!  I do what I want!  I like the questions.  I like her.  I like talking about ME!  I don't think she'll mind.

So without further ado.  Some Q&A:

1. If you could haunt someone, who would it be & why?
I fully intend to outlive all of my enemies so the whole vengeful ghost thing doesn't really appeal to me (not that I wouldn't get a sick sense of enjoyment out of haunting my ex-husband should I meet an untimely demise).  However, haunting someone for the sheer entertainment value is a whole different story.  Frankly, I've got a pretty twisted sense of humor so I'd probably haunt anyone for the fun of it.  Well, not little kids or old ladies with weak tickers.  But almost anyone else.  I'd make a damn fine poltergeist if I do say so myself. I think I'd start by routinely moving the toilet paper just out of reach of the toilet.

2. Where is your dream vacation spot?
This one is a bit tough.  I hate snow.  I'm borderline vampire so beach life (while extremely relaxing) is a rather tiresome adventure (SPF 10,000 doesn't come cheap in five-gallon tubs).  As far as a dream vacation, I think I'd have to go with the quiet Irish countryside or a remote corner of Tibet.  If you're forcing me to interact with humans, I'll opt for an Italian vineyard (wine + pasta = utopia).  However, if we're being realistic, you could take a compass and draw 30 mile radius around my house and anything outside that is a 'vacation'.  Bonus if there are no kids allowed.

3. Do you like birds? If yes, explain.  If no, move on to the next question.
Um... NO!

4. If you could go back in time, what era would you visit?
Shit!  I barely fit into the era I was born in.  While there are many historical figures and time frames I find extremely interesting I just can't picture myself actually there.  Sure, there are days I think pioneer days were much simpler but then I remember how much I love my air-conditioning and the fact that people don't die of dysentery.  I love the amazing fashion of many eras and the incredible scientific and philisophical studies during certain time periods.  While I'd love to eaves drop on those eras or meet with a few of their amazing minds, I'm not really suited for the bar wench/burned-at-the-stake lifestyle.  So no, I'll stick with the 21st century where my big mouth is at least somewhat protected.

5. Do you want to go where everyone knows your name?
Are you kidding?  Let me give you an idea of where I grew up.  I can still tell you, from memory, the names of my entire graduating class, their parent, siblings, cousins, uncles, grandparents, birthdays, address, old phone number, who they married, how many kids they have, and who's name is written beside theirs under the school bleachers!  I grew up where everyone knows your name and happily, I now live in a town with a population of 90 and after three years almost no one knows my name... and that's exactly how I like it.

6. What is your favorite insect?
The praying mantis.  It might have something to do with that whole female-dominance, I'll-rip-your-head-off, I'm-not-a-slut-just-because-I-slept-with-you-on-the-first-night, I-don't-need-your-damn-alimony-check, you-only-thought-you'd-be-leaving-me-for-that-fat-ugly-bitch, your-Daddy-was-hit-by-a-train thing.  Or, it might just have to do with the fact that they are slow, they eat other insects I hate, and they don't try to come in my house to visit.  It's really a toss up.

7. If you were a pig, would you be a big, fat, lazy kind or the kind that runs around snorting and rooting in the mud?
Um?  I'm going with neither.  I'd be the smart sheep herding Babe-the-Pig type.  (thus avoiding the end result of becoming bacon... and yet, what a way to go!)  That'll do pig.  That'll do!

8. What are your feelings about Marilyn Monroe?
I personally admire Monroe for many of her traits.  Aside from being beautiful (Oh shut it you femiNazi-looks-aren't-everything idiot... I know that!) she was intelligent, outspoken, strong, and courageous.  You can definitely argue that she had numerous negative qualities including mental health issues, substance abuse and sexual promiscuity.  But I've met many a crazy, drunk, slut with hearts of gold.  I'll take Marilyn Monroe over some of today's top stars any day of the week.

9. Liquor or Beer/Wine?
That's like asking me if I'd rather be blind or deaf!  It just depends on the day of the week.  After a trip to Wal*Mart I'd rather be blind.  If I won tickets to a Ke$ha concert, I'd rather be deaf.  I like my wine, but I'm certainly no connoisseur.  If you spent more than $10 on the bottle chances are I'll think it tastes like vinegar.    Still, there's something to be said for a nice Crown and Coke after a hard day.  The minimum proof of my alcohol is in direct correlation to the number of assholes I've encountered in the last 48 hours.

10. What are the ingredients for a classic vodka martini?
Classic Vodka Martini - 1.5 oz vodka and a dash of dry vermouth. Garnish with an olive.
If you prefer a Dry Martini, then it's a drop of dry vermouth
No vermouth if you want an Extremely Dry Martini.
Not to be confused with a Vodka Gibson which is 2 oz vodka, 1/2 oz dry vermouth and is garnished with a pearl onion.
Add 1 oz of dry vermouth for a Kangaroo.
Up the vermouth to 1/2 oz and add 1/2 oz of sherry for a Soviet Cocktail.
Up the vermouth to 1/2 oz and add 1/2 oz of blackberry liqueur and 1/4 oz lemon juice for a Warsaw.
I can truthfully say I didn't have to Google it.  I do however have A Complete Bartender's Guide at my disposal.

11. Do you consider yourself attractive?
Physically attractive?  I am totally a MILF in the eyes of the only man who I care to hold the interest of.  And while I usually forgo the makeup and mini-skirts for a comfy, frizzy-hair-and-all look, I must say I do clean up very well.  I certainly don't look my age (which is a great cover for the fact that I seldom act my age).  Generally, I'm very happy with my appearance.  That's not to say if I could lose a few pounds, firm up some baby-leftovers, and have a 'golden tan' without the effort of exercise or health dangers I'd be all "Nah!  I'm happy with my flabby, translucent, stretchy belly."  As far as having an attractive personality?  Baby!  I've got the sexiest brain you've ever met!  And not in that you-need-a-net-to-fish-it-out-of-the-gutter way (though it has it's moments).  Just overall, it's amazing.  If I could wear my brain on the outside, I'd SO do it just so you could see how awesome it is.  Hannibal Lector would totally savor every bite!

Now if you'll excuse me, my brain and I need to go have an arguement about whether that last joke was extremely hilarious or totally disgusting.  I think I'll check and see if I have some fava beans in the cabinet to make with dinner.

Meanwhile, you can go check out my two favorite new bloggers and give them some blog love... because, I said so!  Remember?  World dictator!  I swear, some of you are going to have a terrible culture shock when I finally get ambitious enough to conquer this measly planet.  I'm going to need a lot more stakes on the front lawn!


  1. OMG> You totally had me laughing. Uh...could you please go haunt my soon to be ex if you should dare go into the haunting business. He is totally freaked out by ghosts and had to sleep with the dog in Harry Potter house. Totally, not haunted, BTW.

  2. You know, the more I think about it, the more haunting ex-husbands sounds like a blast. I'm thinking...

    ...put strange panties in his glove box before he's heading out on a hot date, then knock out a tail light so he gets pulled over and has to open the glove box.
    ...every time he takes a shit have the stereo blare "Drop It Like It's Hot" and randomly mercy flush the toilet while he's sitting there!
    ...routinely rearrange the kitchen cabinets
    ...delete all the female phone numbers from his cell phone every other day(including his Mom)
    ...hide the remote in strange places (freezer, medicine cabinet, trunk of the car, etc.)

    Yeah, I could totally get into the ghost thing.

  3. Oh, thank you, MS! Way cool! Now, I'm going to prowl over to the other chicky and check her out. Sounds like a funny one. I am liking your haunty thingy with the ex husbands. I have several.

    1. You're welcome! As for me, I learned my lesson after the first husband. I gave the second one a picture of me in a hot little black dress holding a shovel and told him to carry that in his wallet in case he ever forgot where home was. Seven years later and he still remembers his way home each night.