Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Hit the Road Jack, or Chuck, or Bobby... What's Your Name Again?

I don't remember exactly what happened last night after we got booted from the restaurant.  I vaguely recall dancing with some hottie in a smokey night club. (Who knew there were smokey night clubs in SLC?  Me!  Don't ask!)  The next thing I remember was some chick up in my face claiming he was her man (he didn't look like hers with his hand on my ass) and how dare I and then she crossed the line.  I honestly cannot be held responsible when someone decides to throw out the "stupid bitch" card.  Bitch? Oh hell yes!  But stupid?  I wonder how many times I'd have to flush the toilet before you stop thrashing!

Anyway, long story short, from what I remember, she got a ride in a fancy white van with flashing lights and an IV in her arm. I got to be frisked by Chipp and Dale, a free car ride, and some kinky handcuffs.  I'm pretty sure they were planning to take me to jail, but Momma didn't raise no fool.  I spilled my sob story about how I was raised in a compound and had escaped two days before I was to become the eighth wife to my 80-year-old grandpa and the woman was my cousin/step-mother trying to drag me back to my betrothed.  I even gave them directions to the compound (remind me to write an apology letter to my cousin Quinn) and swore I'd testify in a court if it ever went to trial.  Needless to say, they hooked me up with a nice hotel room and headed off to check on my story.

So once the Queen raided the hotel mini-bar fueled up the caravan we decided to hit the road again!  Seems SLC just wasn't ready for the whole Royal Road Trip thing.  Good thing I am related to half the state know my way around Utah or we might have been screwed.  I guess word gets around pretty fast out there (must have something to do with the alarming sobriety rate) because the next couple of motels we passed had already heard about our antics and insisted they had no available vacancies.

No worries though!  I called up my Uncle Charlie... at least I think he's my Uncle.  His father's fourth wife was my grandma which makes him my uncle for sure, but Great Uncle Hyrum's first wife was my grandma's aunt, so technically that makes Charlie my first cousin twice removed.  To make matters worse, Charlie's third wife is my step-sister Lisa and she's the daughter of my Aunt Margery.  So if I was being completely honest, I called up my First-Step-BrUncleSin-in-Law-Twice-Removed-By-Marriage Charlie.  He agreed to put us up for the night and swore on a stack of Books of Mormon that he would NOT try to convince any of our caravan into being his sixth wife!  I trusted Uncle Charlie, but you bet your ass I had a little sit down chat with some of those hoes about how I would in fact tie them to the nearest tree and make them watch as I burned their shoes on the front lawn if I ever had to call any of them Auntie.

Needless to say, as far as I know our evening at Uncle Charlie's did not further complicate the dynamic interwoven vines of my family tree.  I'm currently petitioning the Queen to make all the women take a test to verify that but she insists it would prove nothing.

So anyway, some of the ladies were a little perturbed that I'd decided to take us to Utah on vacation.  Not a state that is renowned for it's living-the-high-life status.  But I assured them, it was a beautiful and tranquil vacation spot.  Just to prove my point, we headed for Arches National Park.  They decided Utah wasn't such a bad place after all once they got a look at the gorgeous rock formations.

Having satisfied this particular item on my "Bucket List" I let a few of the girls in on a little secret of mine.  You see, Arches National Park is part of the Canyon lands in Utah.  It's also relatively close to Glenn Canyon, which leads into the Grand Canyon which leads our asses straight into Las Vegas, NV without The Queen ever catching on.  After our last trip to Vegas and a few warrants The Queen swore she was never taking us back there on HER DIME again!  Something about ugly hookers, bad gin, and cheap Johns.  Anyway, I figure the scenery will keep the Queen 'oohing' and 'aahing' until the very last minute when the neon signs are flashing in her face.

She'll be all "Where the hell are we?"  And we can all be, "Wow!!!  Those rocks led us straight to Las Vegas!  Damn the luck!  Wonder if Jimmy at Ceasar's Palace has forgotten us yet?"  Then it's just a matter of slipping her the right glass of gin and the party's on!

Hope you're enjoying the Royal Road Trip 2013 so far!  Who knows when we'll head back home.  If I remember right, Jimmy mentioned he had a twin brother moving to Vegas soon!

"Bless me Father for I have... seriously, YOU made them twins!  How could it possibly be a sin?"


  1. Holy God child. I can not believe you hauled my ass to Utah, and missed taking me to THE VAULT.. ..

    Hand me my drink..

  2. yahooooo!!! Vegas BABY! Let it ride!

  3. Uh...why do those rock formations look phallic? P...ppp...eee....nnnn...ii...s. shaped.