Diary of a Stamp - Part 1

In the busy world of total domination, I have yet to find the time for some true writing inspiration.  Therefore, I feel it is only appropriate to kick this blog off with a walk down memory lane.  The Diary of a Stamp happens to be an all time favorite of Judy Susan's and it is only appropriate that it be dusted off the archive shelves and put back out there for your personal entertainment.  So here's the back story...


I am horrible at keeping in touch with family and friends.  Honestly, if it weren't for facebook and text messaging my family circle would probably be limited to my mother, husband and daughter.  Think I'm kidding?  My oldest sister and I haven't spoken since July 2009 because we're both too lazy to pick up the phone let alone write a letter (and make sure it gets a postage stamp on it).  Until recently, my baby sister and I probably wouldn't have been able to describe each other to a sketch artist because we'd only communicated via text message since 2008!

With that being said, in a time long ago before the Revolution of Hate and Discontent, I wanted to send a letter to my grandparents.  Due to Communication Deficit Disease (CDD) I was unwilling to locate a stamp and deliver said letter to the Post Office.  Therefore, I emailed the letter to my youngest uncle asking him to print and deliver the letter to my grandparents who lived down the street from him.  A few days after sending the email to him, I received this response in my inbox:

Dear Niece,

I  was more than happy to deliver your note to Ma & Pa. It arrived at our house okay. But, while driving across town, I ran over something that destroyed my tire before flying up and cutting my oil filter. I sat down my beer and changed my tire. Just as I was finishing, a cop pulled up to help. After seeing the open beer bottle, he started asking a lot of questions that I didn't have time, or desire to hear. This is when my friend "Bud" started thinking that we could out run said copper. About a mile down the road, Bud remembered the damaged oil filter. The loud knocking noise was the first hint. Bud and I discovered a Tracker will go about 1.4 miles with no oil. At this time, Bud is thinking, "Cops eat a lot of donuts, I'll bet we can out run him on foot." After only 3 or 4 steps, the nice copper tackled me on the ground. He offered me a ride and gave me some bracelets, so here is your bill for delivering your letter!

1 tire...................................$ 67.45

1 oil filter............................$ 6.75

1 Motor installed................$1500.01

Bail.....................................$ 300.00

Lawyer...............................$2800.02

Fines...................................$ 700.03

Insurance Increase.............$3500.04

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Total...................................$8864.30

Now, how hard is it to HIT THE PRINT KEY AND BUY A FREAKING STAMP!!!

Just shitten ya! I'll be glad to forward your letters.

Sincerely,

Your Uncle

Check back later in the week to read about the revised bill and the payment settlement I agreed to.