Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Diary of a Stamp - Part II

If you haven't read Diary of a Stamp - Part I, you'll want to do so before you read this.  Of course, in my quest for world domination, I view my Uncle's response as a sheer act of insolent insubordination.  Normally such treasonous acts would be immediately followed with a Proclamation of Assassination.  However, I do my best to operate on a "one fair warning" rule when it comes to blood relatives (only fair considering non-blood relatives get two good warnings!).

This was my calm and diplomatic response to my Uncle's letter:


I have reviewed the bill you sent me very carefully and I have concluded the following:  Goodyear tire estimates that the average motorist in North America travels about 12,000 miles each year. The delivery that I requested was appoximately a 1.2 mile drive. Considering that, the mechanical repairs on your vehicle should be reduced to 1/10,000th of the total. (approximately 16 cents) Considering you likely would have driven this distance regardless of whether you were delivering my letter or not, I feel that you are still responsible for 1/2 of the remaining cost. Making me responsible for 8 cents of your mechanical repairs. 
Now let's address your criminal charges. The way I see it 99% of these charges should be blamed on your friend "Bud", who apparently gave you very ill advise in a time of crisis. Of the remaining 1%, I must hold you 99% responsible for listening to your friend as we all know he doesn't have the best history for good advice. The remaining 1% of that should be equally split between myself and your wife, whom obviously made you drink that beer. Thus, my conclusion in regards to your criminal costs is that Bud should be responsible for $3762.04, You should be responsible for $37.62. The remaining 39 cents should be split between me and your wife, making me responsible for 20 cents.
Finally, we will address the matter of your raised insurance in the amount of $3500.04. First, as insurance is based on the driving history of the insured drivers, we must first cut this amount in half and place half of the blame on your wife. This reduces said bill to $1750.02. Next, the way I see it is you have been driving for approximately 30 years which adds up to 10950 days. My letter was involved in just one of these days and therefor I feel I'm only responsible for 1/10950th of your driving history. Using these figures, I estimate that my responsiblity for your insurance costs are 16 cents. 
The revised bill is as follows:
1 tire, 1 oil filter, 1 engine installed.............$0.08bail, lawyer fees, & fines...........................$0.20
raised insurance cost...............................$0.16
Total cost to me.......................................$0.44 
Now, normally, I make around $9.00 an hour giving advice to students and assisting with problems. Due to the fact that you have done so much free mechanical work for me in the past, I'm going to do you a favor and provide you with equally valuable advice for a flat rate of 44 cents. 
First, I must recommend that you forget your wife is partially to blame for this misspent adventure and write it off as the price you pay for "marital bliss" 
Secondly, though I don't think it will do you much good, you should send a bill to your friend "Bud" in the amount of $3762.04 for your criminal costs. Here, I must advise you that Bud is a bad role model for you. He is a bad influence on your fragile sensibilities and he will only lead you to further trouble in the future. Perhaps you should consider cutting all ties with him and find more positive influences in your life. Word on the street is that Bud is a bad guy. He's been seen in the company of many bad characters like Jack, Jose, and even the notorious Mary Jane. More often than not, he seems to be associated with criminal activities world wide. You need to find out who you are and stop letting Bud tell you who should be. I know you like Bud and he's fun to be around, but considering your history together I just don't think that he is a very good friend to you. How many nights has Bud spent in jail for you? Think about it. 
Oh, and last but not least, I recently spent several months typing up divorce papers to make sure my ex had to take responsibility for all of the expenses of his misspent adventures, so I'm pretty good at this delegating financial responsibility stuff.
You didn't think I was just going to sit back and take that did you? Once I picked myself up off of the floor from laughter, I had to find some way to get out of this bill. Thanks for delivering my letter, I got a letter from Grandma in the mail today. 
Take care,
Major Sunshine

Stay tuned for the conclusion of this saga.


  1. LOL ok I laughed the first time you ran this, and I think I just peed myself this time. It is one of the best stories you ever posted. Thanks for re running it. Momma Sunshine

    1. Don't say I never did nothing for you! I dusted off your favorite post AND gave you Denver all in a matter of days. What have you done to further my world domination campaign? Hmmmm... maybe I should have given you Fargo, North Dakota.

    2. I have worked endlessly to promote your efforts for world domination. I post links to your blog at every site I attend. I've place your phone number in every bathroom stall along I-80 and also several back highways. It's not always easy sneaking into the men's room. I've gathered every damn Angel Dove I could find and put them in the supply closet. I'm doing my part to promote your world domination. Momma Sunshine!

  2. Oh my god. If I ever need someone with your knowledge, I am going to put you on retainer. That was awesome.

    1. Oh yes! Just one more reason I should rule the world! Deficit? What deficit? National Debt? Ummmm... lets crunch those numbers again!